Letting Go
by melissarxy1
Summary: Set post Heroes Cordy deals with Doyle's loss, and gets a chance to say goodbye. not my best work but not exactly my worst. R&R please.


"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance  
  
For a break that will make it okay  
  
There's always some reason to feel not good enough  
  
And it's hard that the end of the day"  
  
-Sarah McLauchlan  
Cordelia sat across from Angel in his kitchen. Both were still reeling from the night's events. Angel was brooding per usual but now he looked a little close to tears. Cordelia sat expressionless then looked into Angel's face. "This is all my fault," she whispered. Angel looked at her stunned.  
  
"Cordy-" he started.  
  
"No," Cordelia interrupted. "It is my fault. I was down too hard on him. I should have given him a chance. I was too selfish." Cordelia sighed dangerously close to tears. She stood abruptly. "I'm going home." Angel stood also looking at her closely.  
  
"You shouldn't be alone," he protested.  
  
"No," Cordelia said again. "I need to be alone right now." She quickly hugged Angel. "Bye."  
  
"Bye," Angel said watching her worriedly as she left.  
"I feel just like I'm sinking  
  
And I claw for solid ground  
  
I'm pulled down by the undertow  
  
I never thought I could feel so low  
  
Oh darkness I feel like letting go  
  
If all of the strength and all of the courage  
  
Come and lift me from this place  
  
I know I could love you much better than this"  
  
-Sarah McLauchlan  
When Cordelia got home she walked directly into her bathroom and grabbed a bottle. She shut the cabinet and found herself staring into her own lost expression. She began to sob. She walked into the kitchen grabbing a glass of water. She then opened the bottle of sleeping pills. Dennis tried to take the bottle but she resolutely held on.  
  
"Knock it off," she told him. She took a handful of pills, then walked to her bed. She lied down and stared at the ceiling and almost welcomed the blackness as it overcame her. Dennis picked up the phone and dialed Angel's number. The vampire arrived a few minutes later.  
  
"Cordelia?" he called. Dennis grabbed his coat and pulled it towards her bedroom. Angel ran in seeing Cordelia on the bed. He shook her shoulder and when she didn't respond checked her pulse. "Dennis get me the phone." The phone floated over to him and he dialed 911.  
"Would you know my name  
  
If I saw you in heaven?  
  
Would it be the same  
  
If I saw you in heaven?  
  
I'll find my way  
  
Through night and day  
  
`Cause I know I just can't stay  
  
Here in heaven"  
  
-Eric Claptin  
Cordelia awoke in a large room full of people. She sat up and found herself looking into Doyle's concerned face. He smiled when she sat up. "Hi," he said helping her up. After staring at him couple seconds she threw her arms around him. Doyle hugged her tightly as she sobbed into his shoulder. He pulled away so he could look into her eyes. There was such a range of emotions there: love, sadness, confusion, and fear.  
  
"Am I dreaming?" she asked.  
  
"Yes and no," Doyle told her.  
  
Cordelia frowned confused. "Am I dead?"  
  
"Yes and no," Doyle repeated.  
  
"How can there be a yeas and no?" Cordelia asked even more confused then she gasped. "Am I a zombie?"  
  
"You're in a coma," Doyle said slightly amused by her reaction. "Welcome to limbo."  
  
"If I'm in a coma why am I in limbo?" she asked. "Am I going to die?"  
  
"The Powers That Be sent you here," Doyle said. "A last gift to me since I gave the ultimate sacrifice." He led her into another room that was smaller and bare.  
  
"Why are you in limbo?" she asked.  
  
"I'm scared," he said honestly. "I don't want to move on because of all I've done. I didn't exactly live my life the way I should have."  
  
"I think that after dying to save all of us you've reached atonement," Cordelia protested.  
  
"Yeah you think," Doyle said. "Besides, everyone stops by here before moving on. You can only see people who have touched your life though."  
  
"Why isn't there anyone here now?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"We're in a separate room," Doyle explained. "Another gift."  
  
"If the Powers That Be are giving you this much I think that you'll move on to a better place," Cordelia pointed out.  
  
"Valid point," Doyle said with a small smile the smile faded as quickly as it had come. "Why'd you do it?"  
  
"I'm not really sure," Cordelia admitted. "It just hurt so much." She paused. "My love life sucks." They sat down on a couch that suddenly appeared.  
  
"It'll get better," Doyle said.  
  
"You're just saying that," Cordelia protested.  
  
"But it might be true," Doyle said. "No one can know. Life's unpredictable, that's the point of it." Doyle reached out and pulled Cordelia into his arms again. "This won't last forever. You do have to go back."  
  
"I don't want to leave you," Cordelia protested lying her head on his chest.  
  
"I'll always be with you," Doyle assured her. "I know it sounds trite but it's true. You'll need to go back soon Angel needs you."  
  
"Let's not think about that now," Cordelia said. They lied down on the couch still holding each other.  
"You're the best friend I've found  
  
I know you can't stay  
  
But part of you will never ever go away  
  
You're heart will stay  
  
I'll make a wish for you  
  
And hope it will come true  
  
That life will just be kind  
  
To such a gentle mind  
  
And if you lose your way  
  
Think back on yesterday  
  
Remember me this way  
  
Remember me this way"  
  
-Jordan Hill  
"This is nice," Doyle murmured stroking Cordelia's hair. "Just lying here."  
  
"Doyle," Cordelia said abruptly.  
  
"Yes princess?" Doyle asked raising up slightly so he could meet her gaze.  
  
"I love you," Cordelia told him. "I have for a while I just wouldn't admit it. I guess I was afraid of being hurt again."  
  
"I would have died before I would hurt you," Doyle told her the paused. "That's not the best choice of words but you get the point. I love you too."  
  
"Oh yeah," Cordelia said sitting up on the edge of the couch and looking down at him. "The whole demon thing I'm way over it. It's part of you and I love you so I love it. Guilty by association." Doyle sat up and kissed her tenderly they broke apart after a couple seconds and just stared into each other's eyes, just enjoying being together.  
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing  
  
Watch you smile while you're sleeping  
  
While your far away and dreaming  
  
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender  
  
I could stay lost in this moment forever  
  
-Aerosmith  
"This has to be a dream," Cordelia muttered finally.  
  
"Why?" Doyle asked.  
  
"Real life isn't this good," she said.  
  
"Sometimes it is," Doyle protested.  
  
"Like when?" Cordelia challenged.  
  
"When I first met you," Doyle told her. Cordelia looked at him sudden tears filling her eyes. "What's wrong?"  
  
"I miss you," she told him. "A few minutes isn't eno-" Doyle cut her off with a kiss.  
  
"Forever wouldn't be enough," he finished.  
"So kiss me  
  
And smile for me  
  
Tell me that you'll wait for me  
  
Hold me like you'll never let me go"  
  
-Chantal Kreviazuk  
Doyle's watch went off.  
  
"I didn't know you had a watch that expensive," Cordelia said. "Another gift?" They looked into each other's eyes. "Our time's up isn't it?" Doyle nodded. "How do I know this isn't a dream?" They kissed one last time. "Goodbye," Cordelia whispered  
  
"Goodbye," he said gently. He held her until she faded away.  
  
Cordelia opened her eyes and looked around. Angel was sitting in the chair opposite her. When he saw her he leapt up and hugged her. "Okay one of us has to breathe," she told him.  
  
He let go and glared at her. "You had me so scared. I thought I was going to lose you too," he told her.  
  
"I know," she told him. "I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you why I did it really."  
  
"You felt alone," Angel told her. "You felt like you needed to stop the pain somehow."  
  
"Yeah," Cordelia said. "Where am I?"  
  
"The hospital," Angel told her. "My question is: where were you?"  
  
"I might have been dreaming," Cordelia said thoughtfully. "If so it was a good dream, but I was with Doyle. 'A gift from the Powers That Be' he said. We got to say goodbye." She looked at him her eyes filling with unbidden tears. "I miss him." Angel hugged her again.  
  
"So do I," he told her. "I should go get the nurse." As he left Cordelia looked in her hand a note was in it.  
  
/Well you said you wanted proof that it wasn't a dream, here it is. Also, I've decided to see what's beyond the door. I love you princess./  
  
Cordelia stared at the letter in disbelief then smiled.  
"Beyond the door  
  
There's peace I'm sure  
  
And I know  
  
There'll be no more  
  
Tears in heaven"  
  
-Eric Clapton 


End file.
